I really don’t like the idea of a plan.

For so long now I just remember the plan being “Get through school, get some A levels, study Journalism at uni and become a music journalist”. But now I feel maybe I’m just not cut from the same cloth as the people with similar plans, maybe I’m meant to be making it on my own. If I get the chance to resit second year then I will, a degree can’t exactly make things any harder. Although I won’t lie, I’m ready to have started my life by now.

I guess I’m just threatened with change, but I’m kind of starting to grow roots here.

positive—tension:

voldegort:

So is this a thing now…? I’m glad this became a thing.

I sort of have to sing every single one in my head.

Today I re-awoke after a short 2 hour (or so) nap in a blind panic. After promising to open the club up for the dray men at 9am I somehow realised in my sleep that I had left my keys IN THE CLUB!

Alas I quickly sourced the nearest set of keys and went about a way of obtaining them, a short phone call later I’ve got a ride to the keys and the plan’s coming together.

That’s the thing about my Martini’s. I get they’re not all available all the time to get hammered with me and mr miyagi, but when it counts at 07:20am on a Monday they step up. And they step up hard! I’m so proud of the Martini’s as a team right now. It’s sappy but I couldn’t ask for a better team.

This was a curse. I jest, it’s not been easy but I’ve always known I was a little bit different from you all; At first I thought I was broken, then I thought everyone around me was broken, now however - I realise it’s got nothing to do with me or anyone else being broken.

I’d forgotten my history, I’m a pillar to no one and everyone. I’m not here to become something great, I’m not here to become famous or change the way we live. I’m just here to make sure we all keep living - however shit it all gets.

I am the oxygen your stability gasps for,

I am the resistance to your steel temptation,

I am the anti-gravity to your suspension dreams

I am the people preventing you from jumping,

Now…

Look at her face, she’s completely given up…

It wasn’t intentional, I apologise to Zac sincerely, I should have checked. May have been a freudian slip kinda thing, he is a bit like my Einstein haha

I seem to constantly be wishing I could swap my problems instead of handle them. Do I have too many problems that I’m finally going to break? Or is it just that I doubt I have the strength to face any one problem? I dunno… all I do know is 7 hours the day shall suck. I’m really glad you’ll be there though.

I didn’t enjoy that phone call. I want you to know that. If you believe nothing else (any of you) in this post, at least believe that I didn’t see that phone call as some kind of progression.

For me, it was more limiting the damage to something I’ll always hold dear to me. I find myself asking “Where to now?…” and apparently a path is already neatly laid out for me. For you, I… I don’t know, I want to be around you again, I want to know I can count on you again. I want to know you again.That’s why I made that phone call, it wasn’t vicarious living or pupeteering. It wasn’t tying something up only to unwrap something else. It was none of these things. I was broken, just like last time but worse.

Last time I didn’t have you to count on, because we just weren’t accessible to each other, I couldn’t face you and you didn’t want to face me. But I had the bears, I had my brother, I had anchors. This time however, you were my anchor and the chain was broken, just like me. I couldn’t talk to you about any of this stuff, you weren’t the source of the problem, don’t get me wrong. I just felt like I couldn’t talk to you. That was why I had to make the call. That feeling was the last thing either of us wanted from this.

The sad thing? The sad thing is we haven’t uttered a word to each other since that call.